by Gillette aka Hassan[uddin] Khaja
What you'll need:
(1) roundtrip ticket to a Muslim country
Appropriate documentation for said roundtrip to Muslim country
(1) outfit that looks foreign (Arab or Desi preferable)
(1) Arab friend
(1) beard
(1) opinion justifying the length of your beard
(1) wife (anymore and you'll be labeled an extremist)
(1) American accent (optional)
(1) fascinating conversion story (optional)
Directions:
1) Become Muslim. Should result in one (1) fascinating conversion story (only applies to non-Muslims).
2) Start growing beard/goatee. Don't shave. Find an opinion that suits your liking. Length of beard should be inversely proportionate to thickness of foreign accent (if any).
3) Hang out with Arab friend, learning appropriate pronunciation of Arabic/Islamic terms. Continue for one year.
4) Call a sheikh from Muslim country for which you bought a roundtrip ticket. Ask him to meet you at the airport. Give him all flight information.
5) Use roundtrip ticket to travel to Muslim country. Keep foreign outfit.
6) Sit down with the sheikh for lunch while discussing religion. Congratulations, you've studied with a sheikh!
7) Arrange to have Arab friend meet you on your return home.
8) Board plane for return flight.
9) Have Arab friend book you to speak at various gatherings. Encourage him to book you for khutbahs as well.
10) Record lectures, place copyrights on them, and sell the recordings on CD (tapes are so passé). Make sure they are priced out of the reach of lower-class families.
11) Conduct classes/intensives, once again pricing them out of the reach of lower-class families.
(NOTE: When lecturing/teaching:
1. Never refer to scholars of the past.
2. Refer frequently to a hit movie, a song, or a TV show.)
12) Travel extensively for the sake of self-promotion, including outside of the country. Use this to build credentials ("The sheikh has traveled the world for the cause of da'wah").
13) Get married (to someone outside of your race/culture, for novelty).
14) Repeat steps 9-12 until you die.
Donating locally is always good:
The mayor of New Orleans said Wednesday that Katrina may have killed thousands of people in the city — an estimate that, if accurate, would make the storm by far the nation's deadliest hurricane in more than a century.
Islamic Relief USA has initiated an appeal to help the victims of the floods caused by Hurricane Katrina.
Islamic Relief is in the process of coordinating with organizations working on the ground to effectively and efficiently aid the victims as swiftly as possible. Islamic Relief will be focusing its efforts on helping victims in Baton Rouge, LA (where many victims from New Orleans have fled), Mobile, AL, and Houston, TX.
In addition to the devastation in New Orleans, hundreds are also feared dead in Mississippi. People in Louisiana, Alabama and Florida have also been affected. Many areas in all affected regions have been completely destroyed, and the temporary shelters which have been set up cannot cope with the continuing influx of refugees.
The victims of Hurricane Katrina are in urgent need of your help. Please act now to assist with the emergency relief efforts.
on September 1, 2005 9:54 AMImam al-Awza’ee (d.179H) - “Stick to the narrations of those who have preceded [you], even if the people reject you. And beware of the opinions of men, even if they beautify it for you with speech. So the affair is young and you are upon a Straight Path with regards to it.”
Sahih: Related by al-Bayhaqi in al-Madkhal (no. 233), al-Khatib al-Baghdadi in Sharaf Ashabul-Hadith (no. 6), Ibn ’Abdul-Barr in al-Jami’ (1/170), by way of al-’Abbas Ibnul-Walid from his father.
Al-Hakim said: "Al-Awzaee was the Imam of the people of his time in general, and he was the Imam of the people of Shaam in particular."
on September 1, 2005 10:25 AMSalaam Akhi:
hahahahaha...this article is funny!
It has the right balance of reality, humor and sarcasm :)
Well done brother Hassan...I like it!
By the way, what is the total time required for steps 1-13, roughly speaking?
Ma'Assalaama
on September 1, 2005 3:53 PMYou are my hero! well done, this is one of the best sarcastic articles you have come up with( and you probably are going to write even better ones). In America, you have a frenzy of scholars and becoming scholar processes.
on September 2, 2005 1:07 AMI met a scholar who met a scholar who met Ibn Baz. Therefore, I am scholar.
For Khutbah bookings, please contact me via email.
on September 2, 2005 9:49 AMI dont know Gillette i did not like this article... i mean could you get anymore stereo typical
on September 4, 2005 11:58 PMI dont like this article either. I think people often allow their nufoos to criticize those who have put up more of an effort to work on their deen than they themselves have. Islam demands benefit of the doubt and good opinion of others. This article encourages the exact opposite and encourages people to take on the infinitely risky task of scholar-criticism. I would rather live in a world that gives benefit of the doubt to scholars and lets a few 'fake' ones slip through the cracks, than live in a world in which it becomes fair game (and even 'intellectual') to backbite and criticize scholars.
The flesh of the scholars is poison. Its a risky business...may Allah protect us all from what displeases Him.
on September 6, 2005 5:09 PMhow quick we are to point the finger at others...i'm criticizing you, not the scholars/callers/people with knowledge.
on September 6, 2005 9:59 PMAsalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarkatu,
So everyone who goes to study in a Muslim country is doing so to gain fame and call himself/herself a scholar?
In that case I must be one of those too. I'll make sure I put on my Al-Azhar sheikh's turban the next time I come to ISRU. I'll have to bring one for Ibrahim too (he speaks better classical arabic than most arabs themselves).
on September 6, 2005 10:35 PM"how quick we are to point the finger at others...i'm criticizing you, not the scholars/callers/people with knowledge."
I wanted to clarify that this wasn't exclusively intended for Justoju.
"So everyone who goes to study in a Muslim country is doing so to gain fame and call himself/herself a scholar?
In that case I must be one of those too. I'll make sure I put on my Al-Azhar sheikh's turban the next time I come to ISRU. I'll have to bring one for Ibrahim too (he speaks better classical arabic than most arabs themselves). "
"how quick we are to point the finger at others...i'm criticizing YOU, not the scholars/callers/people with knowledge."
on September 7, 2005 12:02 AM"how quick we are to point the finger at others...i'm criticizing YOU, not the scholars/callers/people with knowledge."
Well Br, Gillette, your criticisms are obviously not coming out of a vaccuum, and the points you have presented were inevitably inspired by your thoughts on current figures. So based on your criticism, you ARE in fact criticizing many scholars, because from your perspective they clearly would not fit the bill of a scholar. I cannot help but feel like some of the points you have made seem to clearly refer to certain scholars in the West(who you probably consider in the "you" category) without presenting a clear portrayal of any of them (but just enough to get everyone pointing fingers). By reading this not so subtle attack on them, many will conclude that they are not worthy of being considered scholarship, and are rather part of the "you" group being criticized. What has been left out, however, are the YEARS of study, solid isnads and countless ijazas that have earned many of them the title of "Scholar". As for the ones who lack such qualifications, their reach will only be as far as the ignorance of those who accept from it, but like Justojou said, it is a dangerous thing to turn such discussions into a free-for-all slanderfest.
"how quick we are to point the finger at others...i'm criticizing YOU, not the scholars/callers/people with knowledge."
"As for the ones who lack such qualifications, their reach will only be as far as the ignorance of those who accept from it..."
The point of the article lies here...
on September 7, 2005 2:36 PMGillette, we get it, the point of the article is to portray the system used by muslims to recognize official scholars as opposed to unofficial scholars who may be just as qualified...the ummah of AhlusSunnahwalJama has been saved from countless innovators and deviant philosophies (most of whom were well versed in the Quran and the hadith)over the centuries precisely because we have a strict system of official recognition...otherwise, anybody off the street with some knowledge and an agenda can lead the common people away from the aqeedically straight path
on September 7, 2005 4:04 PMSalaam:
To solidify what ManBeast said...its like a jewish person who is an islamic professor, who knows better Arabic and all documented evidences of Fiqh, cannot be seriously taken as an islamic Scholar...maybe a professor of islamic Fiqh, but not as an islamic scholar (based on traditional ways of scholarships in Fiqh).
Oh poor Gillette...Generally, I am more critical of his writing style and usually dont pay much attention to his content...even his explanations/rebuttals are more confusing than his original post...maybe we should all not worry too much of what he actually writes. He is just someone trying to take baby steps in the art of writing. We are all one family, lets be supportive of him, shall we?
Ma'Assalaama
on September 7, 2005 4:44 PMThis, once again, proves the necessity of the ijaazah system of Ahlus Sunnah wal Jamaa'. This is why we take from an unbroken chain that links us back to Muhammad (may Allah bless him and give him peace).
And br. Gillette, because I am full of myself and believe that the world revolves around me, I did believe that that comment was exclusively a criticism of me. Thanks for the clarification. Now I know it was a criticism of both br. Rami and myself.
I have to learn to share.
on September 7, 2005 5:00 PMSalamualaikum everybody,
Hasan is a comedian sometimes. he's always into jokes with us. the thing is he writes serious stuff, and then he writes the comical stuff. sometimes his closest friends get confused about the message he's trying to send.
on September 7, 2005 7:56 PM
وَإِن طَائِفَتَانِ مِنَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ اقْتَتَلُوا فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا فَإِن بَغَتْ إِحْدَاهُمَا عَلَى الْأُخْرَى فَقَاتِلُوا الَّتِي تَبْغِي حَتَّى تَفِيءَ إِلَى أَمْرِ اللَّهِ فَإِن فَاءتْ فَأَصْلِحُوا بَيْنَهُمَا بِالْعَدْلِ وَأَقْسِطُوا إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُقْسِطِينَ
Wain taifatani mina almumineena iqtataloo faaslihoo baynahuma fain baghat ihdahuma AAala alokhra faqatiloo allatee tabghee hatta tafeea ila amri Allahi fain faat faaslihoo baynahuma bilAAadli waaqsitoo inna Allaha yuhibbu almuqsiteen.
Al-Hujurat:9 If two parties among the Believers fall into a quarrel, make ye peace between them: but if one of them transgresses beyond bounds against the other then fight ye (all) against the one that transgresses until it complies with the command of Allah; but if it complies then make peace between them with justice and be fair: for Allah loves those who are fair (and just). (Yusuf Ali translation)
on September 7, 2005 7:57 PM
gulp gulp gulp... drink it down fast boys and girls... its haterade happy hour!
Salaam:
Looking back at this article and the ensuing barrage of comments that followed, brings me to discuss some important aspect of why I joined Hidaya and some related thoughts...and then I will punctuate this post with a question to the editors/maintainers of hidayaonline.com.
First of all, when I joined Hidayaonline, I was surprised and elated to have found a website that was refreshing and beneficial. I immediately liked what I read and the people who wrote the articles and comments on hidayaonline.
Obviously, I only know each one of you through your writings and the various aspects and ideas that have floated on this website.
Sometimes there were happy occasions for all of us which we shared together and sometimes we all felt sad due to an event and comforted each other with caring words...this is how friends support each other.
Which brings me to my main point...non of us are an accomplished writer or journalist, we have our weakness and hiccups when we do write. Sometimes the content is weak sometimes the style is murky...its an evolving thing....Moreover, we are trying to be an improved communicator in each of our subsequent articles as there is always room to improve and grow, to be more coherent to be more succint....Which means that we are all fallible, especially when it comes to writing about religious matters.
Why? because none of us is a scholar or even a "proper student" of a scholar. We have attended seminars and read plenty of books on Islam and what not, but that doesn't elevates any one of us to be judgemental about each other especially when it comes to faith & beliefs of any individual here...I mean I could be an atheist or an agnostic but I still would like to feel welcome and a sense of respect and acknowledgement from everyone on this site...then what about the rest of muslims, dont they need to recieve more respect and consideration regardless of how different their views may be with one individual or with the rest of the group on this website?
My humble suggestion would be to not repeat the errors and mistakes of some our predecessors (who went through the same rat hole and came out divided and defranchised) by not hurting each other with our tone and words.
Question for hidayaonline.com "management":
Is this website aimed at or catering to a specific group or segment within our diverse family of muslims that are active online?
jazakum Allah kahiran for your time and responding to my query.
Ma'Assalaama
on September 8, 2005 1:42 PMIt might have seemed, from past articles, that I was attempting to make those who are a little less than practicing feel bad. However, my intended audience has more frequently been those who are not a little less than practicing, so they wouldn't slip. My (some would say frequent) criticism of the less-than-practicing sisters was intended more for the niqaabi than the non-muhajabah.
on September 8, 2005 2:27 PMas salaamu alaikum
How to cause contention and disunity
What you'll need:
Nothing that you can buy from your local grocery store
Directions:
1) ALWAYS Criticize others all the time
2) Step 1 will result in an arrogant attitude
3) Justify this attitude ( Just like Satan )
4) NEVER ever admit that you're wrong
5) NEVER ever apologize
6) Repeat steps 1-5 till you die
never ever admit that you are wrong.
that is 99.9999% of women there, lol!
on September 8, 2005 5:09 PMAyan: "that is 99.9999% of women there, lol!"
Well, you are on the correct lines there ...
al-Bukhaari and Muslim report from Abu Sa'eed al-Khudri that the Prophet (saw) said, "O women give in charity, for I have seen that you form the majority of the people of Hell." They asked, "Why is that so, O Messenger of Allaah (sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam)?" He said, "Because you curse too much and are ungrateful for good treatment".
and...
"Women will be few among the inhabitants of Paradise because in most cases they prefer the immediate pleasures of this life, as they are less wise and unable to keep the Hereafter in mind. They are too weak to strive and prepare themselves for it, and are more inclined towards this world. In spite of all this, they are the strongest factor in this world that distracts men from the Hereafter, because men are inclined to desire them and they are not concerned with the Hereafter. They are quick to follow those who call them to deviate from Islaam, and reluctant to follow those pious people who cal them to the Hereafter, and righteous deeds". (al-Qurtubee, at-Tadhkirah, 1/369)
on September 8, 2005 6:58 PMSalaam:
I have a request for bro/sis "i am not perfect":
Please, Can I cut and paste your post that was simple yet captivating about folks who just never learn!
I want to post it at another islamic forum...let me know either way.
jazakum Allah Khairan
"How to cause contention and disunity
What you'll need:
Nothing that you can buy from your local grocery store
Directions:
1) ALWAYS Criticize others all the time
2) Step 1 will result in an arrogant attitude
3) Justify this attitude ( Just like Satan )
4) NEVER ever admit that you're wrong
5) NEVER ever apologize
6) Repeat steps 1-5 till you die"
on September 9, 2005 2:30 PMSalaam:
Ok, I got impatient like a little boy....and so I went ahead and posted it anyways.
I am ready to accept any repercussions of this childish act!...heheheheh
ma'Assalaama
on September 9, 2005 2:42 PM@bro asef: no prob
on September 9, 2005 5:11 PMAsak,
What is the method to become a scholar?
on August 28, 2006 5:28 AM