(Abu Hurairah & His Friend) »
by Talal Sarwani
Disclaimer: The following is an artifact of COMPLETE AND UTTER FICTION. The Asher in this story is not a real Asher. Neither is the Fatima presented hereforth (and finally, nor is the Maryam who is mentioned). These are all figments of my imagination, and any similarity to any possible Ashers, Fatimas, and/or Maryams is entirely coincidental. However, if you inshaAllah want to bother an Asher, Fatima, and/or Maryam you know, I have no control over that. And please, remember, do not fall in love with this specific Asher, Fatima, and/or Maryam. Note: The following is presented in a screenplay format. The centered items are dialogue, with the rest being actions and thoughts of the characters. The ALL CAPS headings are scene descriptions; "EXT -NIGHT" means "exterior, night", which gives you the type of location and time of day. "INT" obviously means interior. I'll clarify in the comments if anything else doesn't seem clear.
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EXT -NIGHT. THE REMAINS OF A BLIZZARD ARE ALL AROUND, AS
ASHER AND FATIMA DRIVE SLOWLY THROUGH THE PLUSH SNOW IN THEIR
SUV.
Fatima looks out at the remaining snowflakes falling onto the
windshield.
FATIMA
I can't believe you're going all
the way to Wegman's in this.
ASHER
Hey, I said it was your choice to
come or not.
FATIMA
Oh really? First you come home
late from work, then you want me to
stay home
ASHER
(interrupting)
Not wanting you to stay, just
FATIMA
well I'm sorry, but I already see
too little of you nowadays.
ASHER
Awwww habibty, that's so sweet.
FATIMA
Oh please just be quiet.
Asher can't suppress his amusement as he slides the car into
the parking lot.
They park in the nearest spot to the store, in a lot with
only two other cars.
FATIMA
There's no one here. This place
can't be open.
ASHER
Wait a sec, lemme go see.
He never had to tell her to wait anymore.
Fatima watched Asher walk towards the front door, which
magically opened upon detecting his presence. She smiled as
he walked back with a hurry in his pace. She wouldn't admit
it, but she was glad it was open; this was their little
adventure in the midst of a blizzard.
Then came her favourite part of every outing, as Asher opened
the door for her.
ASHER
Madame, your supermarket awaiteth.
He sticks his hand out for her to grab as she takes cautioned
steps to the ground.
They struck a striking contrast against the white haven all
around them. She in the black 'abaya she bought from Abu
Hayl during their summer vacation to Dubai. He wearing one
of the five outfits she loved to see him wearing; she always
thanked his sister Maryam for buying him those pants and that
jacket from the Kiswah boutique in Madeenah.
INT -NIGHT. WEGMAN'S IS A MEGA SUPERMARKET. A SUPERSTORE
WITH ALL SORTS OF FOODSTUFFS CONTAINED WITHIN IT. GARGANTUAN
AISLES AND IMMENSE VARIETY DOMINATE THE PLACE. TONIGHT
HOWEVER, IT IS EMPTY ON THE INSIDE. THERE IS ONE REGISTER
OPEN AMONG THIRTY. A FEW EMPLOYEES LINGER AROUND THE OPEN
REGISTER, HAVING NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
Asher grabs a basket as they walk into the mega supermarket.
FATIMA
(suprised)
Just a basket? You don't want a
cart.
ASHER
Don't need a cart. I'm just here
for one thing?
FATIMA
Oh you're kidding. You're
seriously here just to buy one
thing? I thought you were just
messing.
ASHER
(casting a sly smile)
Messing? With you? SubhaanAllah.
But I guess yeah. There's one
item, just multiple quantities.
Asher navigates them through the pharmacy area, then crosses
a few aisles to the right, passing the "no-way-there-are-that
many" variety of green teas, and finally stops in front of a
freezer.
ASHER
There.
FATIMA
What? Where?
The glass door of the freezer reflected the look of pure joy
on his face.
ASHER
There.
(he points towards the
freezer)
Tofutti. Alhamdulillah.
FATIMA
(utterly confused)
Toffuti?
ASHER
Yeah.
He opens the freezer door and starts picking up three vanilla
fudge and three chocolate fudge flavoured Tofuttis.
Fatima picks one of the cases up.
FATIMA
You drove through the remnants of a
blizzard for this?
ASHER
(non-chalantly)
Yup.
FATIMA
(still reading the case)
For ice cream.
ASHER
Not just ice cream.
FATIMA
Ice cream made with tofu?
ASHER
Oh, not simply ice cream made with
tofu.
FATIMA
Milk free ice cream made with tofu.
She has fun with this game.
ASHER
Oh more importantly,
Fatima awaits eagerly, Asher takes a pause.
ASHER
More importantly... low fat.
"How anti-climactic", she sighs to herself.
ASHER
Like you.
- Three vanilla fudge flavoured Tofuttis: Eight dollars and
fifty cents.
- Three chocolate fudge flavoured Tofuttis: Another eight
dollars and fifty cents.
- Look of shock and near anger on Fatima's face: Priceless.
Fatima scowled at him.
ASHER
Okay okay, I sorry. Please
apology?
FATIMA
Don't try that cute, innocent act.
You'll be working for this one.
ASHER
(winking)
Hey, as long as you think I'm cute.
Fatima shakes her head.
ASHER
Khallas, I'm just kidding. Ready
to go?
FATIMA
What, I don't get any ice cream?
ASHER
La habibty, I didn't mean that.
Whatever you want.
FATIMA
That's better. Now where's the
real ice cream.
ASHER
It would be my pleasure to lead you
to the location in question, my
dear lady.
FATIMA
Yalla then.
They walk towards the normal ice cream section, on the other
side of the mega supermarket.
ASHER
You know, I was thinking something
at work today.
FATIMA
Uh-huh.
ASHER
InshaAllah in about eight months
when you know...
FATIMA
(alight with a smile)
Yes I know.
ASHER
So, I was thinking... I can start
calling you "Moti".
Fatima stops dead in her tracks. She only knew a little Urdu
to the shagrin of her parents, but did know that "Moti" meant
"Fat Woman". Those two words did not mesh well in her mind.
FATIMA
You're on a roll today, aren't you?
ASHER
Lemme explain...
Fatima doesn't say a word, and doesnt' move.
ASHER
When me and Maryam were kids, we
used to really really bug this
auntie we had named Fatima.
Fatima's eyes rolled in anticipation of what was coming.
ASHER
So we used to mess around and call
her "Fatty Ma", especially since
she had five kids, and was, well,
kinda a "Fatty Ma".
Asher grinned like a two-year-old for just a moment.
FATIMA
Asher... you must really, really
want to sleep on the couch tonight.
Asher ignores those words, as they continue walking.
ASHER
So at work today, I was thinking
how to take that a step further.
FATIMA
So it's gonna be a week on the
couch for you, mashaAllah.
Asher pays no attention.
ASHER
And then it hit me.
Asher pauses in useless suspense.
ASHER
(raising his finger as though he
had just proved the Riemann
hypothesis)
MOTI!!!
FATIMA
(shrugging him off)
Mabrook, you have been bestowed
with a couch to sleep on for the
rest of your life.
They finally arrive at the ice cream section.
ASHER
(still amused at himself)
Here you go... take your pick.
Fatima paced back-and-forth across the aisle trying to nail
down her choice.
"Edy's, Haagen-Dasz, Breyers... what do I pick?", she thought
to herself.
Then she saw it. It screamed out to her from behind the
freezer door.
FATIMA
There it is.
ASHER
What?
FATIMA
The flavour I have been looking for
all my life, and I didn't even know
it.
ASHER
Alright, the suspense is seriously
getting to me. Which one do you
want?
Fatima reaches into the Ben and Jerry's section and pulls out
a flavor.
FATIMA
The story of my life.
She turns the label and shows it to Asher.
FATIMA
Chubby Hubby.
THE END.
cheater. you didn't change the story from script format to story format.
also, i hardly think a sister would react so lightly to her husband calling her fat, allahu 'alam.
then again, only asher could get away with it.
on June 23, 2005 10:17 AMwhy is it that brothers use "Fatimas" in their stories
and sisters like to use "Tariqs"
(I could never figure that out). But offcourse, could it be the meaning of the name Fatima, the non-literal meaning is love of all the world or something along that. I dunno).
on June 23, 2005 10:32 AM"The following is an artifact of COMPLETE AND UTTER FICTION. The Asher in this story is not a real Asher. Neither is the Fatima presented hereforth (and finally, nor is the Maryam who is mentioned). These are all figments of my imagination, and any similarity to any possible Ashers, Fatimas, and/or Maryams is complete coincidental"
-Are you serious? Your saying these names have nothing to do with any real life circumstances that have taken place recently? Comon brother! LOL!
on June 23, 2005 10:50 AMi like using fatima because i don't know any fatimas.
on June 23, 2005 11:13 AMAssalaamu 'alaikum
MashaAllah very amusing piece.
Where may I find an "Asher" if they do indeed exist..?
on June 24, 2005 12:56 PMah,....nobody beats Shakeel Khan of the One man series. You'll find the Ashers, Shakeels, in the writers heads offcourse.
on June 24, 2005 3:34 PMI came to an interesting realization recently. What beauty is for women is what money is for men. The more of it you have, the more likely you are to get married. However, if you don't posses enough of it, marriage will be difficult and if a prospect refuses to marry you on the ground that you don't have enough of it, it doesn't make them a bad person. You only have limited control over how much of it you have yet one of the most important sunnahs is kept from being fulfilled due to lack of it.
My message to those who are married...
Tell your spouse you love them today and do something special for them. You really are lucky to have them...
Now I sound like one of those people Talal made fun of in Where's the washing machine. Anyone's stomach hurting from hilarity yet?
WOW what a rant. Forgive me for that one guys.
Peace and Jummuah Mubarak
on June 24, 2005 4:05 PMSubhanallah,
blessings are less counted by those who have them. May Allah help you Br.Faisal and dont be sad, it is so unbefitting your personality, Allah has made you a pleasant slave of His and be happy, Allah will give you out of His bounty, ameen.
At least men have the potential of making more money in the future and can marry based on 'potential'...with women, its universally known that their biggest asset, their beauty, will only decrease with age.
And yes, I agree with br. Faisal. We are soooo lucky to have our spouses and dont deserve a single particle of their priceless existence. (releases mushy sigh).
on June 24, 2005 5:00 PMMay Allah SWT grant us with a spouse that is first and foremost a blessing to the heart than to the eye. Aameen:)
The search has begun.. may Allah SWT guide us all in the right direction. Ameen.
on June 24, 2005 5:21 PMRealizing that society does adhere to the rules of falling prey to the nafs...
Alhamdulillah that we as Muslims recognize and inculcate within us that it isn't money, beauty, or some other material ornament, which should play a role in deciding who we are inshaAllah to spend the rest of our lives with.
Ya akh Faisal, I know that you know more than me that we are to take care of ourslves, after that it's just "qadr Allah wa ma sha'a fa'l".
These are the tests of life, so just bear them with strength and look forth into the not-so-far future, to those gardens beneath which rivers flow. Can you hear the trickle?
If you want to be the most beautiful woman, or the wealthiest man, you simply have to be content and satisfied with what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given you.
to the sisters... Asher is out there. Especially if you live in NJ. :D (I just can't help myself sometimes)
on June 24, 2005 5:23 PMsniff sniff:*) thanks
on June 24, 2005 7:15 PMMy nephew's name is Asher. But he is two years old. But he is still an awesome catch mashaAllah. Sign up while you can ladies.
on June 24, 2005 9:09 PM