by Rami Mahmoud Elsawah
Talal now finds himself in a tight situation…The sirens flashing in the background.
Police Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Talal looks out his window and sees just a chest. The officer is so massive that his head rises above that of the SUV. He decides it’s best to turn down the Umm Kalthoum song he had just been previously been blasting.
Talal: Umm…I guess about 70. (He was lying, he knew he was going about 85-90).
Officer: Oh really, looks more like a hundred and change to me. What do you take me for, a fool.
Talal: No, nothing like that, I just…
Officer: So you take me for a fool do you. Ok step out of the vehicle, NOW!
Talal: Excuse me?
Officer: I said step out of the vehicle, hands where I can see them!
Talal gets out of the SUV as the officer jerks him forcibly to the back-end side of the car away from the passenger side. At this point Simsimma is very worried. All of this happened so suddenly and now she can’t see what’s going on. She makes du’a to Allah.
Officer: You have anything on you I should know about?
Talal: No sir.
Officer: I had better not find anything on you. Up against the side, now!…and spread’em.
As the officer performs a pat-down search Talal hears the officer say in a very low voice: “Infamous S sends his salaams.” …And before you knew it the exchange had already taken place. The item was now in the inside pocket of his leather jacket. Talal was astonished at the masterful set-up.
Officer: Ok, I’ll let you go with a warning this time…but just because your wife is with you. The county doesn’t have us looking for speeders as much as it does for DWI and wreckless driving these days.
Talal: Thank you officer, I’ll make sure I won’t do it again.
Officer: I believe you should say ‘Alhamdullilah’ (Khaja Fire was the baddest brotha on the block, but strictly religious).
Talal: Oh yeah, Alhamdullilah.
As he walked back to get in his car Talal snuck a quick feel into his jacket pocket. If his wife knew how much he had paid for it she would certainly have killed him, but it was certainly worth it.
Asalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatu,
Hmm...everyone automatically assumes that Talal's intentions are ill. Need it be so?
Wasalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatu
on March 27, 2005 2:58 PMI protest. This isnt really a marriage article.
I was tricked.
on March 27, 2005 3:50 PMthere was no reason to think it was a marriage article.
on March 27, 2005 4:38 PMMarriage Joke of the day
A husband and a wife are driving down a country road after having had a big argument. Neither is speaking to the other. They come accross some cows and donkeys in a barn. The wife turns to the Husband and says "Look! Your relatives". The Husband smiles and replies "Yep! In-laws".
on March 27, 2005 5:33 PM"there was no reason to think it was a marriage article."
It was trickery via inference. Number three is a continuation of number two which is titled "my second marriage article"...
Infamous "S"
Is irfy4u enough
Oh rami i love you bro
PASEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The marriage article aspect shall become clear once it's revealed what was sliped in my pocket.
at least that's where my mind is going...
on March 28, 2005 11:22 AMa ring for your second wife?
on March 28, 2005 5:09 PMThink twice Justoju, would you want to ask that same question to your fiance if this was an article about him?
Are you kidding me? I would LOVE for him to get me a co-wife so that I could make her do all the housework and cooking and stuff.
on March 29, 2005 4:28 AMyes, but in all seriousness, I think is best not to say the same assumption for Br. Talal's wife. If you talk about yourself and stuff then that is fine and dont be in the illusion that a co-wife is for cooking and cleaning and housework. perhaps a man might show such to his wife and in the end likes the other wife more. Please, I know these things, my uncle has two wives and one he does treat like a servant. But that is the one with whom he has two sons whereas the other wife that is favored has only one son. You dont think there will be hurt inside both wives? subhanallaah, ukhti, I'll I am saying is be careful how you joke. if you are talking about your fiance then it is fine but dont talk about another woman's husband as such, I dont know I would not be able to because I would not want to hurt my fellow sisters' feelings.
on March 29, 2005 1:20 PMSalaam:
Ukthi Justoju is probably kidding. If you guys want to see a "HALAL" movie on this Very particular issue of allowing your husband to have another wife, please check out "Laila". This is a new Iranin movie, and probably you can get this in BlockBuster....And as I said...it is completely clean movie...with a lot of emotional and social themes that may be experinced by individuals and families going through this idea.
Disclaimer: Dont kill the messenger!!!
Ma'Assalaama
on March 29, 2005 2:35 PMThere has to be a limit to the joking. This is no joking matter about another woman's husband.
I hope we all understand the seriousness. Why do we have to compromise seriousness to attract a bunch of teenager or college going immature children to come read from hidayaonline.
hidaya is hidaya: it is about halaal and haraam and if you dont know that then, I dont know what to say anymore?
Salaam Ukhti:
Its not what you say, but how you say it...
I really respect you and your opinions but it hurts me to see you label everyone who frequents hidaya as merely a "bunch of teenager or college going immature children". This is not becoming of a mature muslimah (such as yourself), nor as one of the patrons of Hidaya.
There is much good in what we discuss and learn from each other, and for some reason if we dont agree with something what others have to say, we can always discus this "mildly" without the need of lopping grenades in our comments.
To the Editors of Hidaya...are we going to see Sister Ibtisaam's article posted on Hidaya that she has been reminding for some time now?
on March 31, 2005 10:13 AMInteresting thought occured to me (I promise this one is no joke).
All sunnas of the messenger are easy to implement in ones life and are extremely beneficial. Miswak helps you keep your teeth well into your old age, Itr actually changes the way peoplle behave around you (the men should try it, put some cologne on and see the magic work) and every other sunnah one can name is tremendously beneficial and easy to implement.
However, this one sunnah of plural marriage is so complicated and is such a touchy subject. As the comments above show, plural marriage, even when spoken about in a humorous context, can be offesnive and hurtful and that joke wasn't even made by a brother.
On this website, I have always been candid about my desire to have multiple wives. Now that I think about it, what if my fiance reads those comments or worse, what if my mother reads them? They will both be hurt, not that I intend to hurt them and not that they themselves are bad people. It's just that this subject is not simple black and white. Plural marriage maybe sunnah but it is a difficult one to implement and can cause alot of hurt feelings even when the husband is equitable between his wives. Our Messenger had many wives and he was equitbale between all of them and his wives were the best of women of this ummah and yet there was discord and jealousy.
So if that was so in the time of the messenger, how is the layman like myself expected to implement this sunnah? Isn't this one sunnah a cause of hurt for the wife? A SUNNAH CAN BE A CAUSE OF HURT? A SUNNAH CAN BE DIFFICULT TO IMPLEMENT? I can't accept that conculsion. I don't like it, not one bit.
This is really depressing me becuase I see the position of the sisters on this one and yet, I can't see anyway out of this dilemma. So the question is is plural marriage really recommended sunnah or is it simply mustahab?
Sisters, I don't want this post to cause anymore hurt feelings, I can see your position on this one, i really can.
Wasalam
on March 31, 2005 10:43 AMSalaam:
This is just my two kobos on what brother Faisal mentioned (heads-up:My opinions are just mine and may not be Kosher for everyone):
Before we jump into monogamous vs polygamous marriages, we need to look at the CORE aspects of Marriage. The Core values are well defined in Qur'aan and Sunnah, and I dont have to quote the Ayahs (most of us know them).
So, to me this is pretty simple when I look at this discussion, and here are my reasons:
1- There is no physical intimacy between a man and woman except through Marriage. This intimacy is natural and we are encouraged to pursue this intimacy through marriage alone.
2- There are numerous Hadeeths where RasulAllah (sal-lal-la-hu-wa-sal-lam) asked ladies for hands in marriage and vice versa. And never did he shunned it or hid this fact by words or action.
3- BECAUSE marriage is not a self-oriented, self-serving or self-centered act/worship but it involves your spouse to be an equal participant as well. It is this mutual collaboration that makes marriage one of the most unique and equally important institution that defines the fabric of a muslim society. All other human relationships(of fatherhood, motherhood, sisterhood, brotherhood) emanates from this one relationship.
4- And finally, RasulAllah (sal-lal-la-hu-wa-sal-lam) mentioned that the most beloved person to him was his wife Aiesha (Radi-Allahu-Anha) even while he was married to many others. This shows that the affairs of the heart is from Allah, and your inclination or affection towards someone is merely a manifestation of Allahs mercy. Even though this affection may upset one wife vs another.
Ergo, knowing what I know, If (for some reason) I do end up with more than 1 wife (at any given time) I will not worry about where my heart inclination tilts to, but I will be more cognizant of making sure that I am equitable and fair to both of them in all aspects of my responsibilities as their husband....This is exactly what our prophet did and his life is the best example for us to follow.
As far as jealousy is concerned among wives, let me relate couple of hadeeths in here:
1- Sahih-Bukhari: Volume 7, Book 62, Number 152:
Narrated Anas:
While the Prophet was in the house of one of his wives, one of the mothers of the believers sent a meal in a dish. The wife at whose house the Prophet was, struck the hand of the servant, causing the dish to fall and break. The Prophet gathered the broken pieces of the dish and then started collecting on them the food which had been in the dish and said, "Your mother (my wife) felt jealous." Then he detained the servant till a (sound) dish was brought from the wife at whose house he was. He gave the sound dish to the wife whose dish had been broken and kept the broken one at the house where it had been broken.
2- Sahih-Bukhari: Volume 7, Book 62, Number 138:
Narrated al-Qasim:
Aisha said that whenever the Prophet intended to go on a journey, he drew lots among his wives (so as to take one of them along with him). During one of his journeys the lot fell on 'Aisha and Hafsa. When night fell the Prophet would ride beside 'Aisha and talk with her. One night Hafsa said to 'Aisha, "Won't you ride my camel tonight and I ride yours, so that you may see (me) and I see (you) (in new situation)?" 'Aisha said, "Yes, (I agree.)" So 'Aisha rode, and then the Prophet came towards 'Aisha's camel on which Hafsa was riding. He greeted Hafsa and then proceeded (beside her) till they dismounted (on the way). 'Aisha missed him, and so, when they dismounted, she put her legs in the Idhkhir and said, "O Lord (Allah)! Send a scorpion or a snake to bite me for I am not to blame him (the Prophet ).
May Allah return us Muslims & Muslimahs of today, to Quran and the Ways of the Prophet (sal-lal-la-hu-wa-sal-lam) in all spheres of our life...Ameen
Assalam-o-alaikom brother.
There is no doubt that the Prophets example is the only one for us to follow. My basic question is not how to deal with the situation of being in a plural marriage since there is enough literature on that. My question is why is this particular Sunnah the cause of jealousy and hurt feelings and how can we avoid this? Should we not implement this sunnah at all and limit ourselves to one woman and one woman only or should we implement this sunnah and cause that one woman that we love pain?
Can implementation of a sunnah cause hurt feelings? As it has been demonstrated time and time again, accepting a co-wife is not easy for women and it does depress them. A sunnah can be a cause of depression? As you demonstrated from the two hadith, co wives can be a cause of jealousy and we cannot forget these were the best of women. A sunnah can be a cause of jealousy? It is these questions that are bothering me.
The guidance for what a man should do when he is in multiple marriages is clear. What seems unclear to me and what is confusing me is whether or not a man should enter multiple marriages to begin with. Is the risk of hurting my first wife's feelings (whom I love dearly) and causing her grief worth earning the reward of another marriage? Is the risk of implementing the sunnah (discord) worth the return (reward)?
So I reiterate my question, is having multiple wives a sunnah or simply a mustahab act? If it is a sunnah, then the risk is worth the reward but if it is not sunnah, then in my humble opinion it is not worth hurting my wife.
wasalam
on March 31, 2005 8:54 PMsubhanallaah!, I did not mean to cause such anguish in so many sisters and brothers. All, I was trying to say is that I would never make such a joke about/towards another woman and if someone made a joke about my husband, i would not mine. In the end, you learn to accept taqdeer, whether it takes years or months or days, so woman learn to deal with such an issue if the needs be for such a time to come.
I dont think it makes such a difference as sunnah/mustahab to have more than one wife, etc. The problem is in our societies, girls are not brought up with such notion. The popular media or everything else only "sells" monogamous relationships and so women are not used to such things and that is why it is very very difficult for them to accept that their husband can marry another woman. However, in societies where this is commonly seen or this is known to happen, I am assuming woman get used to it. There is nothing wrong with a little bit of jealousy and competition, this is natural, as long is it does not deviate you from justice towards people.
Remember, when Aisha RA was accused or slandered, every single wife of Rasool SAW spoke good about her and defended her, DESPITE KNOWING THAT SHE WAS RASOOL SAW favorite.
Also, it is part of Islaam, taht a woman should not ask a man proposing to her, who has another wife to ask him to divorce that wife, rather she should accept her taqdeer.
I think once women read and study Islaam, they dont have any issue about it.
See if someone said this about my husband, I would not be hurt at all.
But this joke was made in reference to the brother's wife, which in case she read it, I am not sure and I was afraid she would be hurt.
In certain societies, co-wives learn to live like sisters or like sister-in-laws. Some gain even more of an independence. But anyways, I am not here to promote or dispromote polygamy.
If you ask personally, I happened to have friends who were okay with it(before marriage), after marriage is a whole different picture.
Also, funny thing is that I was able to convince,non-muslim classmates, one guy and one girl about polygamous marriage in Islaam.
The thing is that even if this is a sunnah, it is a great responsiblity and actually a lot harder for the guy, emotionally, physically, financially, and for the woman is only really emotionally, maybe financially.
So if you are doing all the other sunnah as possible, then think about doing this sunnah after you have done all the other sunnahs, there are many sunnahs to do.
on April 1, 2005 12:14 AMSalaam Ahki:
I am nobody who can give you a proper answer...You would need to ask a Sheikh. But since you asked me, I will say the following, Insha'Allah.
1- First of all marrying multiple wives was a custom even before RasulAllah (sal-lal-la-hu-wa-sal-lam) and there were no limits to the number of wives a man can have. When Allah revealed the ayah of marrying multiple wives for the muslims there were two obvious messages:
a) A limit was set as to how many wives a muslim can have at any given time, i.e. 4 wives.
b) That the BEST recourse is to STICK with 1 wife ONLY, as it would be nearly impossible to be equitable if one has multiple wives.
What I take from the ayat is this; That I, myself, wont even touch the idea of multiple wives (with a 10 ft pole, if I can help it). Basically, why set up yourself for failure/hurt when Allah already explained our weaknesses on this matter.
2- YES, you are right-on with the comment that it would hurt your current wife/fiance if you were to marry another wife. I will relate a Hadeeth here for your perusal, and this will punctuate the point I am trying to make here, insha'Allah.
Sahih-Bukhari: Volume 7, Book 62, Number 157:
Narrated Al-Miswar bin Makhrama:
I heard Allah's Apostle who was on the pulpit, saying, "Banu Hisham bin Al-Mughira have requested me to allow them to marry their daughter to Ali bin Abu Talib, but I don't give permission, and will not give permission unless 'Ali bin Abi Talib divorces my daughter in order to marry their daughter, because Fatima is a part of my body, and I hate what she hates to see, and what hurts her, hurts me."
So brother Faisal, what ever you decide on this matter is up to you.
May Allah make it easier for you and Bless you to make the right choice, and May HE bestow HIS Mercy and Grace on you, and your fiance(wife?) and your family, in this life and in the hereafter..Ameen.
on April 1, 2005 12:17 AM
Umm... just to clarify...
I haven't met the mashaAllah lucky girl yet :)
Rami is writing a work that can truly be described as pure fiction (for the time being), so keep that in mind.
on April 1, 2005 12:54 AMJazkAllah Khair brother for your Kind words.
Sister Ibtisam is absolutely right. There are many more important sunnas to be implemented before this one. Wheen I start using the Miswak before every prayer, then I will worry about this issue. So my message to everyone is to implement other important sunnas before you worry about plural marriages.
PS. I have a fiance, not a wife.
wasalam
on April 1, 2005 9:15 AMyeah i think the stuff he got from the officer is for his wife. he told her to put something nice on b/c they were going out.
:)
on April 1, 2005 1:20 PM"Umm... just to clarify...I haven't met the mashaAllah lucky girl yet :)"
Uhh yeah, I know that...I thought that was obvious to everyone. Which is why I cracked that joke. It was also a play on the words 'second marriage' in the title 'My Second Marriage Article'. I guess sr. Ibtisam over-reacted because she thought you were already married and that I was making a 'second wife' joke to a married man...
How was that obvious? a person can be married and living separately....
on April 2, 2005 3:09 PMprolly because 99% of us are from the same RU community and would know if someone as illustrious and renowned as br. editor in chief Talal had gotten married...also because I dont have a doubt in my mind that he would have announced it on this website with style...and even if he hadnt, I dont have a doubt that his fiends would have congratulated him on it...
...marriages are not so easily hidden...nor should they be...
on April 3, 2005 1:20 AMoh and I meant 'friends', not fiends :)
on April 3, 2005 5:14 AMOh, because when I was emailing my articles, I was told that Br. Talal went overseas to get married, so I thought, he came back married, etc.
Alright, I am not from RU, that figures :)
on April 3, 2005 6:25 AMSomeone told you that br. Talal went overseas to get married?!?
wow, its like Hidaya has its very own gossip column.
Asalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatu,
http://www.hidayaonline.com/archives/000236.html
Check out the last few comments.
...and where is the rest of the Huda series?!? =)
Wasalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatu.
Asalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatu,
Marriage articles really do get the most comments.
Interesting.
Wasalaam Aleikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatu
on April 3, 2005 3:51 PMThis poor simple "man" was not wrong then? :)
on April 3, 2005 8:12 PMRami, I think you're the official Hidaya Recordkeeper.
That was a little slip by me in that comment :)
I couln't help it... I was in the midst of two weddings, adn that comment was just beggin to be posted.
So Sister Ibtisam, for now at least... Sister Jutoju did not anger/insult a man's wife, because well, this guy has no wife.
and yeah... WHERE's the rest of Huda's story???
on April 3, 2005 11:33 PM(I am going to pretend like I am not here and am still M.I.A. so that I dont have to face the questions that have resulted from my irresponsibility.)
on April 4, 2005 1:27 AMSalaam:
Well seems like my stars are on the move (whatever that means) but it may come to pass that I may not be single anymore before the year is over, Insha'Allah.
And When I do get married, I will invite all the regular folks on Hidaya and its up to you guys to join in the auspicious occasion. insha'Allah.
Okie doke...talk to you guys later.
Ma'Assalaama
on April 4, 2005 2:36 AMCongratulations, Mubrook!
there must be something mysterious with hidayah online
because within a year of someone frequenting this site, they get married or engaged.
I mean I use to joke about our MSA having a disease of "marriage" whereas any sister that would join it would get immediately married and stuff or engaged, and there were a few sisters that remained "immune" such as myself, we were like: must get to grad school, med school etc and stay "immune" to getting married, etc.
But when I came to hidayaonline.com within couple of months I got married.
The other three members within a year or two. So this site must be infected with the marriage "syndrome." I was not "immune" this time.
Salaam:
Well, I havent found that "special" person yet, but people in the community (and outside community) are actively looking and suggesting suitable sisters. Moreover, a couple of families/fathers have already approached me within the past 2-3 weeks, and its mostly due to the Al-Maghrib class that I took here in California.
But, your observation seems to reflect a fact which probably hints that Hidayaonline puts the marriage syndrome in most of its readers/contributors.
on April 4, 2005 10:05 AMI LOVE IT I TELL YOU!!!
We need more HalaL marriages to go to.
HIDAYAA!!!
YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
on April 4, 2005 10:28 AMNow....dont hate me for this, but I was just checking out the Al-Maghrib forums and I came across the polygamy discussion and this is transcription of Anwar Al-Awlaki's talk, which I really really liked, I was actually telling my mom about this earlier too(couple of years ago) taht during the time of the sahabah, they got divorced left and right, and my mom gave some vague answer, which I dont recall now:
Anwar Al-Awlaki said something very meaningful in one of his lectures:
"Many of the sahaba divroced. Now adays we tend to see divorce as an unacceptable thing. In fact when we talk about the ills of society, we say that the ratio of divorce is so high. Well if that's the standard, the ratio of divorce in the time of the sahaaba was extremely high. So that's not really a criterea of the health of the society. But their perception of divorce was different than ours. They used to see marriage as a relationship between two souls so there needs to be compatibility. If it doens't work out it's just like a business agreement, then they can part.
Nowadays we see divorce in a different light, we see it as something that is a no-no, you never do, and then if it ever happens that's a stigma on the person until the end of their life especially to the woman. A woman who is divorced, no one wants to marry her. And that's very unfair. That's oppressive.
You would notice that in the time of the sahaabah (ra), no woman would be left without a husband. Because for a Muslim, male or female, family is the essence of your life. Family is the most important thing you have. Your family as a Muslim is very very important. We're not living a lifestyle of kuffaar, if you don't have a mate that's fine, you go from one pub to another and enjoy yourself. That's not the lifestyle of a Muslim. The kuffaar women, that's alright, changing from one man to another, living a life that's closer to the animal life than the human life. So for a Muslim man or woman, family life is everything.
So the sahaabah (ra) would never leave any of their sisters without the opportunity and privelege of being married. And that's why polygamy was very widespread, and it was accepted. And if a woman or a man is divorced, that doesn't become a stigma on them and they can easily remarry...
Everyone was allowd to be part of a family. Now there are millions of women in the Muslim world (its not really a problem in the west), but in Muslim countries its a disastrous social problem. Millions of women are growing older and older and they cannot get married. Why? Because nobody wants to marry them when their old, no one wants to allow polygamy, and that's why you have all of these women who are unmarried.
So when you look at it from this point of view, Polygamy is fairness to women rather than being oppressive. Because it gives every woman in society an opportunity to be married, as women are always more than men. So if polygamy is not accepted, then there are gonna be some women who are not gonna be able to get married.
So the champions of women's rights should actually be asking for the legalization of polygamy."
I ESPECIALLY agree with the last statement. Subhanallah
on April 4, 2005 4:55 PMAnd one most compelling reason why polygamy is not a bad idea is what I was telling my Latina friend, I was joking with her because she wanted to marry a Pakistani guy ( the Latina friend is not muslim), so I was like no problem, he can marry a Pakistani woman to please his family and then he can marry you. She is like, no way! I told her, listen, if I really liked someone, I would not step back if they are married to another woman, unless they have four wives already, that is a different story and she just looks at me and laughs and says something like you are crazy...
But honestly though, when I was "immune" to marriage when I was 17, me and my best friend were like we have to marry this certain Muslim personality, at that time, he had 2 wives and we were like, yes there is room for us(we were both innocent, she says I was more than her,but whatever, and for us "marriage" was not "marriage" other than becoming more religious or drawing closer to Allaah SWT to fulfil Rasool SAW command)! But that was all joke and play, when my friend actually got married, I asked her how she felt now about( I was just asking out of curiosity, since she had always been open to the idea) and she said that it is much harder now that she is actually married to think her husband could be with another woman.
Bottom line: every woman is an individual, for some, a certain idea might not be a nightmare as for others.
on April 4, 2005 5:05 PMSalaam Ukhti:
Excellent points...Masha'Allah.
One of the Sheikhs told me recently that its mostly sisters and their families who approach him to arrange suitable match for them in the community. Meaning there are more sisters out there who want and are ready to get married as compared to men.
According to him, its probably due to the following:
1- That perhpas this is the beginning of the time where there will be more women than men available for marriage (this is one of the signs of Akhira.
2- There are good number of men but they are either religious and not steady in income (i.e. being a student and such) OR they are not very religious but are professionsals in their career.
To have someone who is Both religious and a professional is what the sisters are looking for and there are not much of them out there.
Allahu-Aalim.
Assalamualaikum wr wb,
"there must be something mysterious with hidayah online
because within a year of someone frequenting this site, they get married or engaged."
I hope I am lucky enough to be married within a year too insha allah.
Salam
on June 9, 2006 10:47 AM